And so 20years and I still haven’t mastered your absence. 20years and the hurt still fresh as if it was yesterday. Even in another 20years; I would still not be used to you not being here. You left too soon and so suddenly. In fact there was no seeing it coming or even a time to imagine it happen.
I would NEVER forget about this time 20years ago the chills I felt; that goose bumps. It wasn’t ordinary; I knew something had gone seriously wrong but I didn’t want to admit it because how could it be that the woman I had spoken to just hours before had passed. How could it be that the same woman I had gone to fix & Polish her shoes, who had told me she’d be back soon, who made stew and asked that I boil rice for later that night, bath my younger siblings and promised them biscuits had died. It didn’t even sound right to say “mom is dead” it sounded foreign & weird.
You simply vanished even after the reality dawned on me I tried negotiating with God; a negotiation that progressed to anger how could God do this, didn’t he know I needed you so, didn’t he know you had a 9 & 6 year old and worse still how could you let him do it. How could you let him take you? I must have promised all under earth if God would just bring you back. Every morning for the 1st few days were hard. I would wake up hoping it had all just been a dream; I desperately wanted for it to just be a nightmare from which I would wake up and NEVER take you for granted again.
I was going to hear you tell me the same story over & over without getting bored. I would allow you hug me in public without feeling embarrassed. Anything to just have you back ALIVE. I would never forget how you beat me silly. How extremely careful you were with me. I didn’t understand then, I wanted to grow quickly & run out of the house but what seemed like torture back then all came from a place of love & fear. Weeks before your passing; I felt you closer; you bought me a doll even though I was a teenager but I loved it. You even walked me to lesson that one evening & looked at me with eyes filled with emotions as if you were saying “I don’t want to go” I miss you in ways words can’t completely encapsulate.
Heaven must be enjoying your great cooking gosh! You could make a person eat frogs with your cooking skills. I grieve your passing every now & then. The grief really NEVER ends. When you passed someone said “losing a mother was losing everything” I didn’t understand back then but she was right. NO one loves you like a mother, no one goes out of their way for you like a mother. There’s a vulnerable feel from not having a mother; no one covers you in prayers,no one covers loose ends for you & covers your shame, no motherly embrace to fill that void only a mother’s hug can fill (oh! How I miss that warmth).
Though I grieve your loss; I am highly favoured to have known & had you in my life however short. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I would still choose to know you for that short time than not to have known you at all. You will never know the pain I feel that you didn’t even enjoy a penny from my money, not a dime. After everything not even one wrapper to say “mummy thank you”. You didn’t see me walk down the aisle, you won’t be here when I birth a child. It is a deep loss indeed.
Even in this grief I say thank you for teaching me to be responsible, to love & care for my siblings. Family was Everything for you. It was you who 1st pointed me to God; you encouraged my going to church earlier on in life. You made me go to Catechism classes & do the needful. You made me believe in the power of prayer. In your storybook no matter the evil God always won in the end. Thank you mama. Continue to find peace & rest in the arms of the angels.